UNHINGED + UNSOLICITED
Dating Advice for Boise
Avg. Read Time: 2m 21s
"My skinny Asian." That’s what Kade (27) chose to bless my screen with on January 22, 2025. Thank God—I was really starting to worry that my race and weight weren’t my defining features. His profile? A plethora of crucial information: he works out (sometimes), stands 5’10” (up for interpretation), lives in Meridian, and enjoys “bar chilling” and tattoos. Oh, he’s also into monogamy. But y’all —he’s a Capricorn, and there were no dead animal pics or American flag swim trunks, so maybe…
Even when you think you’ve struck gold, you might just find yourself in my shoes 4 years ago, making my escape from an asian, anime, porno-themed dungeon. Is this really our fate? Fighting over scraps of politically incompetent, self-employed men who are still “figuring out” their dating goals at a spry 32?
If you must brave the apps, here’s a trial tested list of tips. If you can’t follow these, you’re not ready:
Swipe freely for 48 hours. After that, you’ve seen it all. You’ll have better luck if you just leave your house. Go check out the Club Calendar for something to do. And just a side note, if you delete the app, there is no need to re-download it for at least six months (spoiler…it will be all the same people).
Make a dealbreaker list—and actually stick to it. (btw, I did not go for Kade.)
He’s just a Brad until you meet in-person. Do not romanticize a pixelated stranger. And if they’re a catfish, congratulations, you’ve completed your dating app initiation.
Never try to get to know someone over text. Make plans or move on. Oh, and if they ask for your Snapchat, just don’t.
It’s okay to bail. Boise kind is cute but you don’t need to sit through three hours of painful conversation out of politeness.
But let’s get real—these tips are just the starter pack. Beyond the gym selfies, golf polos, truck photography, and offensive one-liners, a bigger issue lurks: men do not know how to market themselves.
My eyes are assaulted by radically honest profiles. The Snapchat filters must go, a voice memo is a gamble, and let’s face the facts, the golden doodle photos are carrying the team in Boise. Oh and we must stop creating bullet-point lists of all the things you require in a woman. “Someone to work out with,” “someone who dresses modestly,” “traditional values.” You’re down here on the apps with the rest of us—chill.
However, all this being said. Put the phone down. Get out on the town and walk your ass up to the next person that catches your eye. Boise is conveniently small and strangers are one conversation away from a dinner date.
If you’re looking to find hot people in the real world, I recommend the following locations:
Trader Joes
WinCo
Certified Kitchen and Bakery
Anywhere that makes bagels
Pengillys Saloon
Smoking patios
Hot springs
But don’t worry if you’re too shy, BNDRY is here to help. For a limited time, you (or your tragically single friend) can submit a dating profile for a full-blown marketing upgrade by the BNDRY team. Yes, you read that right. Let the professionals step in before another golden doodle has to carry your love life.
Submit your dating profile today to @bndry.club. Don’t wait! Time is running out!
XOXO
Colette
@coletteraptosh
wanna go on a date?
